Saturday, November 28, 2009

Does God Laugh at Us?

It's a funny sounding title isn't it? But have you ever truly thought about the answer? Look at yourself and your life from somebody else's point of view. What does it look like?

When I look back and see myself and how proud of myself I was then thinking, "Oh look at me, I'm totally ahead of the game," and then see myself fall flat on my face and fail miserably, I want to laugh out loud. Who are you to think that you're so great? You're like no one. God must be laughing at me. He's so great, perfect, and has the power and ability to do anything- to execute it with perfection. And here I am, unable to do the smallest thing.

When I look back on the things that I've put a lot of emphasis on in this life: good grades, situations that I stressed out over, what I thought I was going to do with my life back then- it all seems so minuscule. Who cares about SATs anymore? They once had the power to half determine which college you got accepted into, if any, (and the younger ones will still freak out about them even now), but now that it's all over, and you've already got into college, graduated even, gotten a job, retired, or whatever, SATs seem really unimportant. And yet, the competition was so high, the stress so real-back then.

Sometimes I feel like my efforts are all for naught. I study so hard, I put in all my effort, and I get nothing. Why do I bother? On the other hand, there are people who study 10x as hard as I do, so who am I to complain? How do they do it?

I know, in my head, that if I "walk with God" then in the end it'll all turn out all right. No matter how many times I fall, it'll be Ok because in the end I will have won. But still, I want to just yell up there, "God, stop laughing at me and help me!" I get the point already. I can't do it, but I want to win; you can win can't you? Why won't you help me then? Why do you just watch me flail and flop around helplessly?

I think I ask Him at least every other day. I need an answer that's so clear it will punch me in the face. I'm pretty stupid so I might not see it otherwise.

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