So a post to deviate from the marathon of makeup reviews.
My friends caught me 5 of those feeder fish from a carnival game get together thing. Everything was going so well, and they survived a week which I was super happy about, but then they all died by the 8th day X_X. I have no idea why. It's not even like they died one by one, they just all died in one day. It could be that they ate too much. Every time I go to change the water, they've already eaten their poop, so it's really clean- although I changed it anyways. That on top of the food I feed them killed them I guess.
I just felt a need to blog about sucky friends because I realized more and more that that's what I have, absolutely sucky friends. It makes me want to move to a new place and start over making new friends. Not sure that that's the way to go though, spoil and discard.
My friends don't come through on what they say. Some, it's because they've overextended themselves and can't do everything, so of course my long awaited meeting (planned weeks ahead) gets delayed hours (5+) and shortened from the afternoon to 1 hr while a more recent appointment takes precedence. Others just flat out ditch me for others when the time comes. I'm actually not sure which is worse, them exchanging meeting me for going to another place, them just not wanting to go anywhere that day, or ditching me for other people. Now I know this makes me seem kind of clingy/ needy, but honestly I don't get to see them that much, so really these meetings are like once every 3 months. And it's not so much the not wanting to meet with me that bothers me, it's the making plans and falling through on them. Why don't you just say that you're busy that day? Or that you don't want to? It's because when something "better" comes along, I get thrown away. Sad, really.
Then there are other friends who follow the out of sight out of mind rule. I'm always trying to keep up communication, but it seems like there's no interest on their part. We've just all fallen back to acquaintance status. A relationship takes the work of 2 people. I only have one sided relationships.
I guess I'm really just tired. I used to want to have one really best friend. I was jealous of all those kids who grew up together and have known each other since babies in the crib. My family moved a lot, so I didn't have that kind of opportunity. Up until high school I think it was, I would pray every week for me to find a really good friend, even just one. People who you knew would always have your back. People who if you had a problem, they wouldn't mind coming over to your house just to help you feel better. Yea, that never happened.
All I've learned through life is, don't trust anyone 100%. 50% maybe. I'm always expecting people to fall through, I know people have a tendency to do that. When they come through, I'm insanely happy, when they don't, I've already expected it. That's why if I'm heading a group project, I always remind people what's needed to be done a few days in advance, and the day right before, because I know otherwise they'd forget- and the system works, things get done on time-, I've learned.
I'm really sick of having to deal with all this though. The occasional betrayal? Fine, I'll accept it, but this constant pattern is unacceptable.
I think the absolute most obvious one was the time I was ditched in the middle of NYC alone for 3 hours in the evening/ night. I had planned to meet another friend who lived in NYC, but worried about straying from the group I came with since I have absolute horrid sense of direction. I asked to make a meeting time/ spot with my friend (the other group members were her friends), but to my surprise her response was, "What? We'll just come get you." I was very surprised, because my life with human nature taught me that NOBODY does that. I even asked again to confirm that they would indeed come and pick me up and was met by a hurried YES. So I went off happily. After finishing my meeting, I called up my other friend again to say that I was finished and to come pick me up. She responded with "UH...we're still shopping right now" "Oh ok, then when will you be done?" "I don't know, it looks like it's going to be a while" "Ok, then should I go to you" "...sure if you want" "where are you?" "E. Broadway & XXx street " "wait let me find a map...I don't see it...it's not on here... (I was in the subway station)" "UH, nevermind, this place is really hard to find" "well then how am I going to get back?" "I don't know" "Oh wait I found it, ok..so where exactly are you" "the place is really hard to find"
and it continued like that for 15 minutes with her telling me that the place was impossible to find and not really wanting to tell me. Then she suggested that I meet them at our next destination, so I agreed. I got a bit lost- 1hrs worth- trying to find our next destination because the streets change names halfway through so I was thoroughly confused. After I barely found the place (I had to call her on the phone to try and get directions) she said to me "actually...I don't think I'm going to go there today". WOW. Can you say ditched? That felt like a really sharp slap in the face. In the very beginning you said you would pick me up, I even reconfirmed it with you, and in the end, you still left me to fend for myself in NYC alone in the dark for 3 hrs lost when you know that I have horrible sense of direction. I was pissed, and still am 2 years later, to say the least.
As if that weren't enough, she tried to deny it later with the most ridiculous story ever saying how I couldn't find a map. I WAS STARING AT THE FRIGGIN HUGE MAP IN THE SUBWAYS STATION!!! Are you really going to lie like this?! If it was a small detail then yes, I would say maybe I remembered it wrong, but something as big as this? Please.
I think it's safe to say that I no longer consider her a good friend. It's not just that one instance. Today it's the same thing.
Yesterday I convinced her to go to this school event that she originally didn't want to go to because she didn't think it would be fun. I rattled off all these interesting things that were going to be happening, so eventually she also became excited about it. She told me to call her after 12 pm today, so I did. Only to be met with "Some of my other friends are going at 2, so I don't think I'm going this early, I'm going with them later, and besides I'm still a little hung over." That to me was just unacceptable. So I just said "Ok fine". She of course never wants to sound like the bad guy so she responded with "well you can come too." right, a 3rd wheel so to speak when it was my idea in the first place. She probably told them about it and they all decided to go. I replied with how awkward that would be, me there with her other friends that I don't even know. It's not even one friend, it's a whole group. Before she was complaining to me about how her roommate dragged her off to the roommate's old boss's house and how she felt strange because she didn't know them. It's the same exact thing that you're doing to me, except it's worse, because you made plans with me first and didn't even come through on them.
She's not the only one though, seems like all my friends ditch me more or less. I'm just sooo sick of it all. I just want to throw them all away. Well maybe not all of them. I think I only have a handful of friends who've even ever done anything for me, I don't mean like a mutual dinner or something, but I mean actually done something for me alone. I always treat my friends like the most special people, making sure to get them gifts on their birthdays and doing other various things for them, but I feel like it's never really returned. In three years, I haven't gotten a single birthday present from my friends. Not even one. How sad is that? really. It's not even like they don't know when my birthday is. There's facebook now, everybody knows and posts the obligatory Happy Birthday. But who really means it? Who even really cares? Christmas presents are the same, I give out about 10-20 presents (some for friends, some for people who I feel like I've been in their care the during the year) every year (mass made, but handmade and I spent many hours in the weeks before preparing nontheless), I think I've only gotten...maybe 5 presents back total in the past 3 years. I'm starting to think that I should stop doing anything. It doesn't seem worth it. I love giving people things, it just makes me so happy, but I don't feel like I'm even appreciated for what I do. I don't really care about getting a tangible gift in return, but it would be nice to at least spend some time with these people. At this point I don't even really feel like their my friends, instead I feel like I'm bribing them for something.
Sorry that this kind of turned into a self pity post, but where else can I vent my feelings? I have no friends who care, remember? I'm not even sure how I became friends with them.
Now all I do really is just talk to God, I've realized that there is no one really good friend out there for me. Well maybe there is, but I sure as heck haven't met them.
For anyone else who feels this way, you're not alone!