Friday, May 25, 2012


Yet another slice of life post. And yes, it is mopey and kind of ranty. Because that's just how life is right now- in the pits.

Well first, good news. My Glossybox has shipped! They sent me two emails telling me as such -___- really big on email spam I see. If they do ship from New England area, I may just get it before the end of May. Maybe. This box will determine whether I drop the 2nd Birchbox (still holding onto the hope that I can transfer points...) or Glossybox. Or Sample Society if June is not exciting.

Summer, oh summer, you bring with you so many insects. Randomly I'll feel a tickle on my leg, and look down to spot a huge carpenter ant crawling up -___-. Then yesterday, I collapsed in bed tired from walking all day and felt a tickle on my eyebrow. I quickly tried to brush it off, and something with 8 legs fell down onto my pillow X_X. I managed to get it onto a piece of paper, but then it slid off and disappeared. When I'm sleeping either I'll eat it, or it'll eat me. We shall see.

Something that I've been meaning to write about is "constructive criticism". It's something I've been thinking about for 5 years. Most people do not know how to give constructive criticism. They think they do, but they don't. Instead, they just dish out plain criticism, which is not constructive but on the contrary very destructive. Telling someone what they've done wrong is not constructive criticism. It is plain criticism. The constructive version would be to tell them what they're doing good, tell them what is not so good, and then offer suggestions on how to improve. Tone is also very important. Yelling beats a person down, gentle tones build them up. Keep that in mind. It's so easy to come down on people without realizing it. I've done it before- not that I'm proud of it.

The phrase "we're telling you this because we really care about you" is bullsh*t most of the time. If it's a family member or a close friend saying this, it has a higher probably to actually be true, but for everyone else, it's most likely BS. Whether they realize it or not, it's actually just another way for them revel in pride. By saying what they say (even if it's true), they build up their own sense of self-righteousness. "I'm better than you in this sense, so you should listen to my very important advice". It's not really because they care. Again, I can say this because I've done this before. In my instance, it was even self-righteousness tinged with envy.

It is also bullsh*t when people say they want you to be yourself at interviews. Well, that may be what they want you to do, but that is not what's going to get you the job. I was watching auditions for The Glee Project. They said ohh, you should be yourself because that's what Glee is all about. NEWSFLASH: You have to be interesting. Let's face it, some people are not visibly interesting. You have to dig a bit deeper to really understand them, and that's not going to happen in 10 minutes or even an hour. So people try to make up for that by exuding a different persona during the interview/audition process. You say you don't like it, but let's face it, you do. Hypocrites. People are complex, it takes a while to even get to know them a little bit.

The results of my interview finally came, and as expected, rejected. Wonder why they couldn't send it after Memorial Day. The interviewers gave me their email addresses and told me to email any questions. I did, but they didn't even dignify it with a response. What's that all about? I'm rooming with a random person during this weekend- she's totally going to think I'm a freak if I start crying randomly. So, that's another year of waiting. The hardest part is waiting and not knowing. I spoke with a girl recently who told me that she took a year and a half break before continuing onto grad school. She asked what I was doing, and I said nothing for now (no full time job, no school). She replied "Oh that's good, getting some rest". This is a reply that I get from people often when they hear that I'm not working full time. So I asked her did she feel relaxed and rested during her year and a half off. She paused and replied, "I was actually really incredibly stressed". Exactly. People think that if you're not doing anything full time then you must be taking life easy. It's the opposite. The mental stress of not knowing and having to wait is really terrible. It's worse than school stress or work stress, because at least for those you know what you're working towards- and most of the time you will see some sort of reward.

Some people will brush things like this off and call them "first world problems". First world problems are still problems. The mental stress might even be more terrifying than physical pain and stress. If you are in good mental health, then you will have the strength to continue on. If you are defeated mentally, then it can be very difficult to continue.

The most difficult part for me is trying to understand. I really believe that God has blessed me so much thus far. It's like the path was cleared for me up until this point. I miraculously made 5s on both AP tests which I was sure I'd barely make a 2 and a 3 for. I successfully entered into my desired major- I only heard later that many people were rejected: I didn't even realize you could be rejected. They said that if you didn't have a B in Organic Chemistry, you'd be rejected. I didn't have anywhere near a B. I was miraculously able to find a lab to join last minute- my class professor was so angry that he threatened to have me drop out of the major and even CCed an email to the department head. In my defense, it wasn't mandatory for us to have joined a lab earlier (just STRONGLY recommended). Then I somehow managed to graduate on time. All the while, I was able to gather some opportunities volunteering and shadowing here and there. After deciding on what I want to do, I applied and tried to look for somewhere to shadow and learn more about the occupation. Nothing was working, I called so many places and people just ignored me like a bug. I finally found somewhere to shadow.

Now what? I'm mostly restless because I feel like ok, God has obviously been preparing me thus far, but for what? What is the ultimate culminating goal? All the while I've been trying to stay positive. For every flat out rejection, I thanked God that I didn't have to spend all the time and expense traveling to the interview. I thanked Him for allowing me the experience so that I could understand what others have gone through. I've been praying that He will help me to love Him more. God says to love his people, and although painful, I think this is His way of showing me. I'm reminded of the song Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath.

I wouldn't mind a thousand rejections if I knew that on the 1001th time I'd get a "yes". You hear about people trying for 3 years and still not making it. I really don't think I have what it takes to go that long. Just through this whole process, I feel so tired, so exhausted. And it's really easy to lose hope.

I try to look at the bigger picture and thank God continuously. Even though I'm crushed right now, I can just see someone else in my shoes some other time in need of someone who understands. Someone who has gone through the exact same thing. So I look forward to the day where I can offer hope and comfort to that person. To be able to let them know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and persevere just a little bit longer.

Maybe a month ago, I read an article about Tablo. He's a korean hip hop artist who soared to stardom. On top of that he graduated from Stanford University in 3.5 years with both a bachelor's and master's in English. Asians eat that up. Then someone (his jealous cousin?) started rumors questioning his credentials. It became a huge crazy witch hunt. Hoards of people started calling his professors and the academic office at Stanford trying to confirm whether or not he even attended Stanford (during this time, people were especially sensitive about celebs and such falsifying their credentials)- the people at Stanford defended him, and confirmed that he was a student: people still wouldn't believe. His agency held off on responding for a while, then told him that they would back him and handle the situation. Well, they backed out and left him hanging. He thought the best solution would be to come out and release his transcripts to the public, but even then people didn't believe. They scrutinized the placement of the commas and said he faked it. A LOT of cyber bullying played into this. One person paid someone a year above Tablo to say that he never saw Tablo on the Stanford campus. It was true since the campus is big- that person signed a statement and got $10,000 for it. It got to the point where Tablo had to stop performing. For two years he lived in absolute misery holed up in his house- no one would believe him, even with all the proof in front of their faces. He said everywhere he went people would give him dirty looks. At the hospital he was afraid for his new baby because he didn't even know if the people administering the shots were the ones attacking him online.

He spent two years just making songs and singing them to himself. Finally his wife's company (entertainment company) decided to take a chance on him and released a new album. It was an instant hit, and people say his songs are better than before. I listened to them and didn't think it was anything too special muscially, but if you read the lyrics- wow. Is it worth it? The two years of absolute mental pain and suffering to mature his music this far? That's something I always wondered, is all the pain and suffering that people go through worth how much they've changed after? Are you that much better of a person? Although I'm not really a fan of hiphop, I'm definitely a fan of Tablo now. Still, I can't even imagine the nightmare that he went through. If he's not crazy yet, it's really a miracle.

I encourage you to read the lyrics through at least once all the way through, it's pretty thought provoking. I like how he doesn't sing about degrading women, or shooting people, but issues in society. Airbag is my favorite, followed by Dear TV. Dear TV is satire if I'm not mistaken, and I was really tickled to see him make use of his English degrees ^^.

Oddly enough, I've been comforting myself through reading Psalms. For most of my life, I've just been avoiding that book. I was under the impression that it was all songs about how great king David's life was. I was so wrong. There's numerous psalms where king David voices out his struggles and hardships. People trying to kill him, people mocking him. He always ends by praising God though. He says that he knows God will take care of things because He always has. That's what really got me to look back and start counting my blessings. This may be my most difficult struggle yet, just because it's gone on the longest. There's not a day that has passed where I haven't worried and fretted, and been miserable. This is something that has constantly lurked in the back of my head. I pray constantly to find something in which I can really sink and submerge myself into.

I'll need to have a solo pity party, but I should be ok after haha.


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